caregivers

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17


If you have someone who is a primary or sole caregiver of a loved one with Alzheimer's,
here are some suggestions,
gleaned from conversations with caregivers,
or from the writings online,
or from personal experience...


Before you choose to not read this, just remember that Alzheimer's is an unrecognized epidemic in America. More & more people are being diagnosed with it all the time - & it's not just "old people" being diagnosed. Thus, more & more people either are becoming caregivers or know someone who is.


Caregivers have dozens if not hundreds of people who make "cameo appearances" in their lives. Cameo appearances are nothing but irritating. These are people who feign interest & sympathy & then disappear for months or years. Caregivers don't have the time, energy, or inclination to bring people up to speed with their situation only to have that person evaporate. It makes it seem that that person is just curious or nosey & not really interested in the situation.


Connect with a caregiver regularly. Now, this doesn't mean build a house by the sea. Caregivers seldom have that kind of time. But having someone just call, text, or email every few weeks means a great deal.


Ask about the loved one with Alzheimer's. Most caregivers will give you basic information but that's all because caregivers have learned most people don't want to hear the gory details. But if you really want to know, say so.


More importantly, ask the caregiver how they are doing. Most people seldom if ever ask. And even fewer listen to the caregiver's answer. Most caregiver's will give a short answer to this question because most people don't want to hear how bad it is. If you really care about the caregiver, & really want to know, say so when you ask.


Don't try & fix them or their situation. 9 times out of 10, unless you've been a primary caregiver yourself, you don't know what you're talking about. Caregivers don't need you to fix them. They need you to listen to them.


Listen to caregivers when they talk to you. Few people do. Just listen. Connect with what they're saying. Give them a moment of connection. Most caregivers seldom if ever get that from people.


When talking to a caregiver, try to remember that there is a good chance that 95% of the people in that caregiver's life have disappeared or disconnected. That includes family, friends, neighbors, people at church, & sometimes (lots of the time) even health care providers. People are weirded out by Alzheimer's. They just slip away.


Caregivers live in 2 different worlds. They live in the real world. And they live in Alzheimer's world. These 2 worlds have wildly different norms, rules, & realities. Connecting with a caregiver gives them an opportunity to live in the real world, something they do less & less of as time passes & their loved one's condition deteriorates.


5 words an Alzheimer's caregiver does not want to hear: "have you ever thought of...". Whatever it is that is suggested, that caregiver probably has thought about it - dozens & dozens of times.


So what can people be or do with the Alzheimer's caregiver that is meaningful for the caregiver?

Connect with them often - once a month or 2 months.

Listen to them.

Talk to them about your life. Most caregivers really want to know.

Communicate that you love them & care about them & haven't forgotten them.



This missive really & truly just scratches the surface of a caregiver's life - it's just the tip of a very big iceberg. Be aware of the caregivers all around you - in your church, civic group, hobby group, or where you work, grocery shop, or gym. They are everywhere & they are the forgotten people in the struggle with this dreaded disease.